La Gringa Mas Bella: Married to the Mexican!

Am I back or not ... that is the question. First I'll start off with where I've been and what I've been up to lately because I sure have not been surfing the www for quite awhile. This post has no pics or anything flashy, so be prepared to read if ya really wanna know :)

The Truth Comes Out ...

I don't know if I have talked about it much or not, if not here goes ... once upon a time (when I was 17) I fell in love and married the wrong guy. Details can be spared, but what began as a truly loving relationship bursted into flames so hot that they still burn to this day.

That 7 year relationship produced a son and like many divorces, ours was a nasty one plagued with a child custody battle among other things. Our son lived with me until he was 7 years old. I never denied my ex or his family the right to visit our son, etc. Our son spent summers, christmas, etc. with them and I was alright with that ... my son wasn't.

When he was with them they would buy him everything he wanted and of course when he came back home with me, a single mom, I couldn't afford to do all the things that they did. My seven year old son begged to go live with his daddy and I let him. I believed that the ex's family was better off, financially, than myself and I hated to see my child want for things that I could not give him.

Now our son is 15 years old!!! Time passes so fast.

To make a long story a lil bit shorter, our son is coming to visit me at the end of this month. He can't come and visit me now because he has to wait until he serves ten days in juvenile detention. Our son, living in Kentucky, is also on probation, etc. Apparently he's been in a bit of trouble that I knew absolutely nothing about and according to my son because he was told 'don't tell your mom'.

My son and I have maintained phone contact, the occassional card swap, and rare visits.

The truth came out not long after my trip to KY when my son told me that he had sold drugs at school (prescription drugs and marijuana) and was caught holding on to three or four stolen pistols by local police who raded his home at 1:00 a.m. one morning.

Dealing With The Truth ...

Here I go with my emotions because God knows I have been so confused. I didn't freak out when my son told me and I'm glad I didn't. I opted to talk to him about why he would do those things, if he thought that was 'right', if he was proud of them, where he saw himself in the future, his feelings, etc.

I just really wanted to understand.

I told him that he was very intelligent and that even though maybe he can't see himself doing great things that I can. We talked about things that interest him and things he's good at doing, etc.

After I got off the phone with him I broke down and cried. I worried myself sick and started the blame game. I blamed me, then my ex-husband, then my own parents for the way they raised me, and ultimately God. Phases maybe? I don't know but it took me a few weeks.

I finally came to the conclusion that it is what it is. Lots of people get into some trouble in their teens, I did. I know I did my fair share of stupid things, most of which I am ashamed of too!

And finally, no matter who is to blame ... my son needs help now before its too late.

Constructing the Plan ...

I really wish I had a plan. I don't even know where to start. A thousand ideas have flashed across my mind, some multiple times but the fact is I don't have a lot of experience dealing with a teen. I guess I'm gonna get a crash course soon because he'll be here at my house in just a few weeks and he's staying the entire summer. This will be the first summer we've spent together since he was 7 years old. I can't impress him with a Happy Meal and a trip to the park anymore so I don't know what's gonna happen.

All I can say is that I've bottled all this stuff up inside and it's been killing me. I had to get it off my chest before he comes and saying it out loud, like here, will likely help me out.

In the meantime, I am out for the summer now as far as I know. I could be going back to work in July. I hope I don't have to go back in July because my son will be here with us and I really want to spend as much time with him as I can. I think I need to spend a lot of time with him. I think I'm hoping that he will learn more about our life, the way we live, meet some of our friends, and slow down a little bit. I really want him to enjoy life and see it as this great gift that we are all given.

I really hope that everyone on the www is doing well and I miss being here in my neck of the woods. Maybe I'll be able to find the time now that I'm on vacation to reconnect with my blog and reclaim my place in the www. Wish me luck :)

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